It's sometimes hard to hear family members of someone with a mood disorder tell them that its 'all in your head', 'buck up and get over it', 'you just need to pray more'. Mental and emotional illnesses are real; no Easter Bunny or Santa Claus story. Of course it's in your head! Mood disorders, etc, are brain chemistry that isn't balanced. Just like when your body doesn't produce the right enzymes or chemicals, symptoms happen and a doctor can tell what might be going on with you because you have a collection of symptoms that are common in others who also suffer as you do. It is the same with mental disorders except that the symptoms are behaviors. There are actual, diagnosable, behavior and thought patterns that help us to identify what brain chemicals might be missing or low. Because a person behaves irratically, doesn't mean they are morally bad, it is a mental health issue most of the time, not a moral issue.

For instance, there are a few stages of depression. Mild depression contains thoughts of worthlessness, guilt about past behavior, and low self worth. It is like a tape playing over and over in the head; "Your worthless, your not good enough, you shouldn't have....". It also includes irritablity with loved ones. A more moderate depression has all the sypmtoms of mild and then it includes thoughts of acceptable death. "I wish I would die of cancer" "I could just wreck the car and be gone" As depression becomes more severe, the thoughts start to contemplate suicide. At its worst, the person acts out on the suicide plan just to get the tape in their head to quit playing. It's like living in a cage with someone who constantly whispers to you that your worthless. All of this happens because of low brain chemicals.

When a person suffers bipolar mania, they can be normal for long periods then suddenly, start getting anxious, setting unreachable goals, binge eating or drinking/drugging, heightened sex drive, cutting, impulsive behavior. Then a few days later, come down and suffer the repercussions of what they did during the mania, sometimes losing jobs, loved ones, money, houses, etc. They begin to rebuild, until the next time. This is also caused by irregular brain chemistry.

Mental illness exists and is treatable, just like illnesses of the body. My grandmother was paranoid schizophrenic. It comes on in mid to late 20's or later and sometimes is triggered by a dramatic event. For my grandmother, it was giving birth to her 4th child, being desperately poor and as she lay in the hospital recovering, her house burned to the ground. She was never the same. She went to bed and for the next 40 years she struggled with ideas of persecution by communists who she was convinced lived next door to her. She hallucinated devils and wrote notes all over her house banishing them in the name of Jesus Christ. No one got her any help. The family ridiculed her, her husband divorced her, she lived alone in a 600 sq foot little house and eventually wasn't able to even leave it to get groceries due to her fears.

As she aged, it was decided that she needed to be in a nursing home. She was forced to enter a facility where a doctor diagnosed her schizophrenia and prescribed her medication. Nurses monitered her medication and with daily use, she got well. She stopped hallucinating devils and started to appear bright eyed and funny again. She met a cute, stooped old man in the home and fell in love. She was like a teenager when I went to visit. She had been in bed afraid for 40 years and only lived another 4 months after she became well. I cry everytime I think about it. Why didn't anyone get her help? She was a beautiful poet and writer before she got sick. It's because people then and now think that mental illness is not real.

My point of this article is to, hopefully, better educate you about mental illness. If you or your loved one has these symptoms, see a psychiatrist. Don't listen to people who tell you that you should be able to get over this on your own. It take tremendous amounts of energy to deal with these thoughts. That energy can be used to create, promote and make a difference in the world. Let medication do the hard work. Its about quality of life. Do whatever gives you the best quality of life and try every medication before you give up. Counselors can teach you emotion regulation skills to use when you have occasional returns of your symptoms. I wish you a long stable happy life!

This article is going to talk about the most basic skill needed for good mental health. It is a called many things in many different disciplines. For the sake of this article we will call it MINDFULNESS. I am going to teach you as best I can how to practice this skill.

Mindfulness is the process of taking charge of your thoughts. It is becoming aware of the judgements, fears and assumptions that cause our bodies to react and exhausts our emotions. Have you ever been talking to someone who, before you finish your whole thought, is already getting upset? They are reacting to their own judgements or assumptions about what you are saying. Have you ever been talking to someone close to you and gotten upset yourself because you thought they were saying something different than what they were saying? Have you ever pushed someone away out of fear that if they really knew you, they wouldn't like you?

Mindfulness is training the mind to stay in the present moment with someone and hear the whole thought. When I stay in the moment in my thoughts, right here, where I know I am safe, anxiety disappears. It is done by paying attention to my thoughts and beginning to see how often my judgement, fears and assumptions cause my body to become anxious. The beginning step of mindfulness is to start repeating all of your thoughts back to yourself. This slows down the mind enough to see what your thoughts are doing to your anxiety level. So if I have the thought that my husband must not love me. That is an assumption. If I continue to think that thought, I will begin to emotionally distance myself and eventually, he will stop loving me.

After you have slowed down your thoughts and paid attention to them, the next step is to allow them to come into your mind and slide through. You can imagine them floating past, sliding on oil, sailing past in a boat or any other visual that may help. Trying not to think our thoughts, only intensifies them. So any thought that is a judgement, fear or assumption, practice the 'Teflon Mind'. Let them slide through.

In order to let that thought go, you can bring your mind into the present moment by paying attention to everything that your 5 senses are bringing in. Describe in your mind everything you see, hear, taste, touch and smell. Use neutral words such as: The walls are tan, the carpet is brown, I taste diet coke, I feel the knit of my sweater, etc. It sounds like a first grade reader but we are retraining our minds so we are in emotional health first grade:)

Practicing mindfulness needs to be done daily. Do it when you are doing something that you already do daily like brushing your teeth, drinking a morning drink, or driving to work. Keep your mind in the present moment and just describe what your senses are bringing in.

This is an easy concept that can be hard to do. Most people can last about 6 seconds the first time they try this. That is ok. Just try to go 7 seconds, then 8 and so on.

So that is Mindfulness. The ability to pay attention to your thoughts and only attach to what you can prove with your 5 senses. If he/she didn't say it, it doesn't exist. Become able to step out on the bank of your thoughts and watch them go by. Not every thought we think is real.

Mishele Walker

Acceptance and Change are two words that seem to contradict each other but one must Accept oneself or another before any change can occur. There are two mandatory ideas at work that allow someone to make significant and long term changes: I ACCEPT myself as I am and I am open to CHANGE. So acceptance and change must go hand in hand.

Consider this; the more I tell myself that I am flawed, the more anxious I feel. The more anxious I feel the less able to think clearly I am. When I am not able to think clearly, I am unable to make changes.

It is proven fact that the more anxious and upset we become, the more our bodies shut down higher brain functioning. The body perceives an emergency and begins to narrow the focus of energy to only mandatory functions. This causes the higher brain fuctions that faciltate learning to shut down. We are unable to make changes in this state of heightened anxiety.

To calm the body and prepare the mind for change, we must become good at removing self judgement. I am perfect the way I am is the core belief needed. When we become accepting of who we are as okay and unflawed, then the mind can see clearly when and if changes are needed. We can relax and allow the process of being human to bring into our lives the next needed change. We can do this calmly and without added pressure to change. We are all perfect the way we are. How do I know that? Because you are human and still here which means you have mastered the previous lessons and the future ones are out of your control. I promise you will know how and what needs changing when you are calm and accepting of who you are.

Perfection doesn't exist. It is a myth we create or our parents created that doesn't exist. Each person is such a unique collection of experience, personality, intelligence and ideas that there could NOT be a criteria for perfection written in the sky that would be possible for everyone. There is no imaginary checklist anywhere. We are all exactly who we are by chance.

I am not saying that there isn't mental illness and mental deviants that need to be contained or managed. What I am talking about is the average person.

We get caught up in self criticism or criticism of others. It is all a myth. When I criticize myself, there is no way to prove I am right because there is no critieria that will fit all people. When I criticize others, I am projecting my own self doubt onto them.

There are 6 basic question that will help you turn around your criticizm of others and use it for your own growth. When ever you think someone else should or shouldn't do something, see which of these statements are true about you.

I do it too.
I am not expressing my needs effectively.
I am not setting boundaries effectively.
I am beating up on myself and taking it out on others..
I am not taking responsibility for meeting my own needs.
I am not accepting this person as they are.

I accept myself as I am and I accept the need for change. I know I need to change when I pay attention to what I am picking out in others. Its always about me!

Mishele Walker LPC

I found this article in the Readers digest by Michelle Crouch. It's called 13 things your marriage counselor won't tell you. I loved it! I've added some of my own thoughts in parenthsis on some entries.

1) I love couples who fight in the waiting room. At least they still care about each other. If one or both seem indifferent, my job is a lot harder,

2) When you say your feelings "just aren't there anymore" I know you are probably cheating (My experience has been that when I hear those words, it has always been an affair - Mishele)

3) Sometimes I'll tell a couple, "No sex until the next session. Don't touch each other, period." What I'm really hoping is that they'll fail and feel a sense of unity from their mutual rebellion.

4) It may make you feel better to talk about your marriage issues with a good friend, but it will just make things worse. Never talk to outsiders about things in your marriage that you haven't already talked about with your spouse. (The reason for this, is that our friends always see things from our perspective, they are loyal to us. In sharing problems with a friend, you will reinforce your stance on issues which will prevent creative problem solving with your spouse - Mishele)

5) I'm not going to tell a couple that I have no idea why they're together. But take the hint if I say something like "You both have to make a decision about whether this is going to work long term."

6) What do I wish I could say? "Grow up!" "Stop whining!' "Get a life!" When I feel this way, I know I need a vacation.

7) Don't try to convince me you're the good one. In most marriages, there isn't a good one.

8)Yes, you should go to bed angry. If you try to resolve everything before you hit the sack, you'll both be sleep-deprived and cranky the next day. Instead, get a good night's sleep and talk once you're rested. (70% of issues between a couple are unresolvable, they are basic differences in personality and value systems. Set a time limit and stop talking about the issue at the end of that time limit. It will come up again, guaranteed, then you can set a time limit and discuss it again. - Mishele)

9) Three signs that a couple is not going to succeed: Name-calling, finger-pointing, and when one or both partners fail to accept even the tiniest bit of responsibility for the situation.

10) Sometimes two people love each other but have such different styles of living that I recommend they live together in a duplex. It sounds strange, but it works for some people.

11) I've seen couples I thought didn't stand a chance end up staying together. Often it's because they're both willing to try. But sometime it's just that they are too dysfunctional to leave each other. (When I see this it makes me sad because life is too short to spend it living with someone I don't love deeply. - Mishele)

12) The big thing most wemen don't understand: Men are not mind readers. If you don't tell him how you feel, he's not going to know. The big thing most men don't understand: If you hardly acknowledge your wife all day, she's not going to want to get intimate with you at night.

13) If I ask how long you've had problems and your answer is "ten years," you're not going to change things in ten minutes or ten sessions.

Love is like a small animal that exists between you. If you neglect it, it dies. If you stab it too many times it bleeds to death. It takes work to keep that small love animal alive.

Back in 2006, I was working for an employee assistance program. The director needed someone with experience as a presenter to give couples workshops. I was given this responsibility and for the next 2 years, twice a week, I taught couples how to be together long term. At the time, I was a single mom and had been for several years. The workshops were dvd presentations of Dr John Gottman, the only scientist to research marriages that worked and those that didn't. His findings are supreme information.

At the time his findings came out, another author had just become popular with his book on marriage. The other author wrote the book based on his own marriage and his clients. Dr Gottman's research was largely ignored yet highly superior in value. I'd like to share a synopsis of his work for you to glean what you need from.

Dr Gottman claims there are two important components to marriage; friendship, and conflict resolution. If couples can master these two things, they can last long term and remain happy.

In the friendship area, there are some important things to know. Couples who last a long time and remain happy have a habit of telling each other what they love about each other on a regular basis. They give each other compliments based on what they are seeing happen each day. The most successful couples do this 5 - 20 times more often then criticizing. So the magic ratio is 5-20 compliments to every 1 complaint. They also have long talks where they take time to really know who their partner is, what is stressing them right now, how they feel about their life, and they know each others stories intimately. Another thing Dr Gottman found is that between couples with the highest reported happiness, they listen to and acknowledge each other every time they speak. So, each time my partner bids for my attention by stating something or commenting on something if I just acknowledge that he spoke with an "uhuh", I am creating an environment that lets him know he is important. If he says something or asks for my attention in some way and I ignore him, it isn't bad it just doesn't improve our communication. Couples who remain happy, know what each others life mission is; what the other person wants to be known for in this life. They respect and support each other in becoming the vision of their life mission.

The other important area is conflict resolution. The most important thing to know is that in every relationship, there will be conflict and it can't be resolved. If there are issues that come up over and over, they are unresolvable. They happen because each person has a value system that has been formed by the experiences in their own life. It is not possible to change those values. It is what makes each of us who we are. Knowing that these issues can't be resolved can allow you to talk about these differences calmly. The key is to talk about the differences in order to understand where the other is coming from, not to change him/her. Ask each other why this is so important and what memories created this value. Set a time limit for how long you will talk about the issue because it can't be resolved so it will go on for hours if you let it. Let each other talk and take turns being the listener and the speaker. At the end of the time limit, drop it until it comes up next time. It is better for the relationship to talk about it when it comes up rather than stuff it down or ignore it. It gets bigger and grows resentment if the issue is not talked through occasionally. Not every day but occasionally. It is ok to ask for compromises at the end of the conversation but there may not be one.

Dr Gottman also found 4 things that, if present in the relationship, he could predict divorce/breakup with a 90% accuracy.
Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.

Criticism is when you find fault in your partner. There is no criteria for what is right and what is wrong about peoples opinions. Each person must be allowed to securely be who they are.

Defensiveness comes from being the one criticized and not being able to take feedback and sometimes admit you are wrong. Instead, you defend yourself.

Contemp is any method overt or subtle that suggests I am better than my partner. It is the process of setting myself above my partner and putting him down in various ways. Some examples are name calling, claiming to be a better parent, personal superiority, hitting, slapping, forbidding him to be with friends, criticizing her family, etc.

Stonewalling is the act of turning away and refusing to talk out problems.

I hope this peaks your interest. I'd love to teach you and your partner all the rest of the information in each of these areas. If you are single and wanting to be in a good healthy relationship, I can help you develop the positive skills that will let you have a long term, happy relationship.